The ugly

Have you ever felt unwanted? Unloved? Or just like no one ever wanted to be around you? Well if you don’t know how that feels, let me tell you a little bit of my experience on that.

For one, they (child services) just come for you when you least expect it. And take you away from everything you know. Everything you’re used to. Experiencing that was probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever been through. A little back story on that night, it was dark. So it just made everything more scarier than it probably would have been during the day. Can you imagine what it’d feel like being sound I’ve years old, seeing your dad get put in the back of a cop car. And you KNOW he did nothing wrong. Now that I’ve painted a little picture for you let’s keep going.

After seeing my dad be put in the back of the cop car, this lady came to me and what I thought was her being nice and consoling turned out to be her just trying to get me to follow her and get into the back of her car, so she can take me to my “new home”.

this was one of the only photos I have with my biological dad.

At this moment, I felt so betrayed. So unwanted. The only thing I could think was, “how could MY dad. My hero. My best friend. Just let them take me away?” I had never felt this way in my life. I hated everyone. I hated my dad. I hated my mom. I hated the lady who took me away. I didn’t even know the family I would be living with and I hated them as well. I was just so full of hatred, I felt like the Oprah of hate.

So, I get to this house. It’s nice. And at first, I thought this family was great. I thought everything was going to be perfect. Fast forward about a year or so, and this is where things get bad. This family who I thought loved me.. who I thought were there to help me find a family. Who I thought were there to teach me everything a mom and dad should teach you, turned out to be totally different. I found myself always getting blamed for everything. I found myself getting in trouble for everything. And I found myself curled up in corners of my room because they thought it would okay to punish by hitting me. I got my hair pulled multiple times. I got smacked multiple times. And just treated like trash. I had never felt so alone in my life. Going to school was always the worst because kids love making fun of kids that are “different”. I was always told I looked like the kids begging for food on those sad commercials. I had never wanted to end my life more than I did at that moment. I was just so sad.

Well, after that whole pulling my hair and hitting me incident I called my social worker and let her know what had happened and I was instantly placed in another home.

Things seemed good, till I found out my foster dad was an alcoholic. YAY... not. I thought I was getting taken away to be in a better home? I couldn’t wrap my head around that concept for the longest time. My foster parents were always fighting. My foster mom was always leaving the house in anger or just to get away from my foster dad. I questioned everything. Again, even whether I wanted to be alive or not. After being taken away from my biological dad, being placed into my first foster home and then being placed in another one, I gained MAJOR trust issues. I didn’t trust anyone. At all. I never wanted to make friends because I didn’t trust people. I hated my biological parents even more for adding onto my trust issues because every visit we set up always seemed to fail. Depression was my best friend for such a long time. No one knew these things. No one truly knew how I was feeling because no one bothered to ask. I would go to therapy once a week, but it never seemed to help. I felt worst after leaving.

These feelings aren’t just there during the process. Theses feelings follow you throughout your lifetime. But thankfully, things changed. Good came out of all the hard, scary, and dark times I faced as a going child. And like I said in the beginning, not every child feels this or goes through this as a foster child. Some get lucky, and others don’t end up so lucky. But I thank God everyday that I was adopted, with my two younger blood sisters. My adoptive dad is now a pastor. Well, he’s been a pastor for a little over 10 years. And I’m happily married to my absolute best friend. I have a good relationship with my parents, both biological and adoptive. And I’ve just learned soooo much through this.

- and this here, is MY FAMILY! The reason I am who I am today!

Stay tuned for my next blog post because that will be all the GOOD stuff that came out of being adopted and going through this journey!

Until next time.

• xo Jess!